Today’s New York Times carries the surreal story of a hapless San Francisco author who finds himself the target of unwanted attention- from a religious group who has declared him messiah:

“Devotees of the group Share International believe that the author Raj Patel is Maitreya the World Teacher, a kind of one-size-fits-all messiah for all religions. They say clues from a prophecy dating to 1972 point to Mr. Patel. This has led to an avalanche of unwanted attention, including a flood of e-mail messages, not to mention Web sites and videos touting his sudden status as a deity. People fly across the country to be in his presence.”

Be sure to read the creepy “fan mail” from Mr. patel’s new devotees.

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Who would have thought that sending unprepared, untrained “volunteers” into a disaster zone would be less than successful?  According to a medical volunteer who found himself aboard a Scientology-funded flight, the Volunteer Ministers were utterly unprepared for what awaited them:

“They were completely unprepared for going to a third world country, let alone a disaster zone. One girl was in designer cowboy boots. I asked her if she’d brought any sturdier footwear.

“Oh no, these’ll be fine.”

I asked another guy what he’d packed and he said he hadn’t bothered to bring soap or toilet paper or food, but that he’d just “buy whatever I need at Port-au-Prince airport.” I couldn’t break it to him.”

Scientologists aren’t the only belief-oriented groups causing problems in the region.  Max Beauvoir, a representative of Haiti’s Voodoo believers, alleges that Evangelical Christian charities are controlling aid, often to the detriment of non-Christians in the regions:

“The evangelicals are in control and they take everything for themselves,” he claimed. “They have the advantage that they control the airport where everything is stuck. They take everything they get to their own people and that’s a shame.

“Everyone is suffering the same and has the same needs. We are not asking for anything more than anyone else. We’re just asking for it to be fair.”

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Japan’s Shinto adherents celebrate Setsubun today, marking the coming of spring by throwing hot soybeans from doorways to frighten evil spirits (and, presumably, passers-by) in preperation for the lunar New Year. After the bean-tossing, it is customary to eat a number of beans corresponding to one’s age. Those craving more excitement can head to their local shrine and catch more beans, rice cakes, and treats tossed by Sumo wrestlers or local VIPs.

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Furious doctors who were invited on board a flight to Haiti sponsored by Scientology (and allegedly paid for by John Travolta) were left stranded at the airport as their medical supplies flew to Haiti without them.

Apparently, as the Church has been sending packs of its “Volunteer Ministers,” with a few seats on each flight reserved for doctors invited to go along.  While Scientology’s PR machine is in full crank congratulating itself for sending medical supplies and personnel to the ravaged country, some seventy doctors were left stranded at the airport as the plane loaded with their supplies sat on the runway:

“I think they’re doing a good thing. But it wasn’t done right today and people have died in Haiti because of it,” said volunteer Jake Bevilacqua.

“They need to help us get these pain medications and equipment and antibiotics to the people who are dying, literally,” said volunteer Doreen Evans.

Doctors and nurses from as far away as Brazil arrived at JFK Saturday morning with thousands of dollars worth of medicine and medical equipment. They say they were confirmed on the Church of Scientology flight, but during the boarding process they say the passenger manifest was misplaced.

A total of 119 people boarded then the doors of the plane closed, leaving about 70 people behind

Curiously enough, none of the stranded appear to be members of the Church, and the PR blog set up to report on the Volunteer Ministers in Haiti (and beg donations) carries no mention of the incident.

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Scientology’s PR machine has been in overdrive this year, apparently in a losing bid to counter some of their avalanche of negative press.  Most of these are “feel good” stories involving new buildings or their “Volunteer Ministers” bringing much-need emeters and Dianetics pamphlets to disaster sites.

Most unfortunately, the poor soul they hired to write these exercises in puffery appears to have fallen victim to his own hype.  Not only are Volunteer Ministers getting in everyone’s way helping with relief efforts, they’ve taken charge of the relief efforts.  This is either the looniest thing I’ve ever read, or a very nicely crafted prank- it’s hard to tell.

Update:  A link on the “Volunteer Minsters” Blog soliciting donations for Haiti relief leads directly to Scientology’s general donation fund.  Fishy stuff.

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The BBC today has a fascinating article on the history of Cadbury chocolates.   Founded by Quakers as an alternative to alcoholic drinks, the company’s ethical business practices caused it to became a runaway success:

Ms Rowlands says evidence shows the new ethical stance led to a successful business, but it was unclear how other firms viewed it at the time.

“[The Quakers] were not the only people doing that kind of thing but they were in the vanguard of it. The connection between faith-based motivation and business was very clear and perhaps less overt amongst others.”

The story of Cadbury also contrasts with other businesses that serve to promote religiously motivated causes.

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Because Scientology’s “Volunteer minsters” can now get down to the important business of poking people and getting in the way of relief workers much more quickly, now that John Travolta has volunteered the use of his personal aircraft.

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Much of the coverage of the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake has tried to relate the success of relief  efforts to to the religious attitudes of the country.  Virtually all of it is paternalistic and poorly informed (as in the apparent decision at the Times Online that the best opinions to seek on the attitudes of Haiti’s believers were their theological opponents in Europe.)

Some of it is outright insulting, like a recent Reuters story that addresses complaints from “Voodoo priests” who object to mass burials of the dead:

“Dumping the dead in hurriedly excavated mass graves without proper rites is seen as desecration in a country where many believe in zombies — dead bodies brought back to life by supernatural forces who could persecute the living.”

The Reuters story implies that Beauvoir met with the Haitian president to relay houngans’ concern over zombies.

Voodoo is a real religion, with a strong emphasis on the afterlife.  The care of ancestral spirits is very important in Voodoo, and proper respect must be given to the dead, because they are still present in spirit form.  Funerary rituals prevent spirits from becoming ‘lost’ or forgotten, separated from the living forever.  It would probably be unusual to find a faith that didn’t have similar objections to the rough handling of the dead.

There’s also the rudeness in referring to houngan Max Beauvoir as the “main leader of Voodoo” instead of using a proper title, but even that seems relatively minor compared to the condensation of a complex social issue into a condescending dig about superstition.

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Predictable, but funny:  An Australian pizza chain called Hell Pizza (no strangers to controversy) is attracting the ire of local churches on the opening of a new branch.  Apparently, the pastor of the “Springfield Christian Family Church” thinks the brand will send children a “confusing message about hell.”  I wonder how he feels about Buffalo wings.

The Pastor opines:

“You open your mailbox and there is the word hell right in front of you.

“It’s a confusing message for children especially.”

One of Springfield church’s eight core principals is a belief in the devil.

 

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Well, I’m not sure.  My best guess is a creatively challenged J Peterman employee with an “on this day” calendar:

So buy a sign, because Salem was sorry for hanging witches.   Or something.

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It’s no exaggeration to say that Scientology’s had a very rough year, what with ongoing protests, high-level defectors, and the publication of every last shred of their “confidential” documents.

About the only thing left in the drawer was a mysterious set of papers detailing the “Babalon working,” a magical operation undertaken in 1946 by Scientology’s founder L. Ron Hubbard and Aleister Crowley acolyte Jack Parsons.

Hubbard’s start in the OTO has been pretty well documented, but the Church of Scientology has long insisted that Hubbard was not participating in ritual magick, but in fact on a secret government mission to break up a “Satanic cult.” Try hard not to laugh, but until now, it was their word against everyone else’s, so members of the church were free to accept that explanation.

A record of the working exists in the archives of the Warburg Institute Library, and has remained unpublished until now- an intentional act that makes for an interesting story. It seems that after a brief mention of the working in the British press, the documents were rescinded by then-owner Gerald Yorke, a secretary of Aleister Crowley. On Yorke’s death, the papers were returned, under condition they not be published for twenty-five years. The papers will reportedly be unsealed on Jan 4, 2010. Here’s hoping they made copies…

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“A knight must be merciful without wickedness, affable without treachery, compassionate towards the suffering, and open handed. He must be ready to help the needy and to confound robbers and murderers, a just judge without favour or hate. He must prefer death to dishonour. He must protect the Holy Church for she cannot defend herself.” ~Chrétien de Troyes

“The warriors are gentler than lambs and fiercer than lions, wedding the mildness of the monk with the valour of the knight, so that it is difficult to decide which to call them: men to adorn the Temple of Solomon with weapons instead of gems, with shields instead of crowns of gold, with saddles and bridles instead of candelabra: eager for victory — not fame; for battle not for pomp; who abhor wasteful speech, unnecessary action, unmeasured laughter, gossip and chatter, as they despise all vain things: who, in spite of their being many, live in one house according to one rule, with one soul and one heart.” ~Bernard of Clairvaux

The day of Friday the Thirteenth, 1307, which began so uneventfully, was the beginning of one of the world’s most enduring mysteries, and one of its greatest tragedies. On that morning, Philippe le Bel, the King of France, in collusion with the Pope, gave orders for the arrest of over one hundred knights of the Order of the Temple, on charges of heresy. Over the next seven years, dozens were tortured, tried, and executed. Many more were imprisoned. The Grand Master of the order, Jacques De Molay, was broken and burned at the stake.

Continue

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A Florida marine reservist is trying desperately to come up with a excuse for assaulting a lost priest with a tire iron. After mistaking the traditionally dressed Orthodox priest for a Muslim, he hit him with a tire iron, chased him several blocks, and tackled him.  Afterward, he called the authorities, claiming, “I’ve caught a terrorist!”  It’s like Fox News, mthe reality show.

Once he realized he was in trouble, he made excuses- the priest hit on him, grabbed his crotch, yelled “Allahu Akbar!”  Welcome to America, Father.

In my daydreams, nasty television pundits wake up after events like this feeling guilty for their part in provoking hate crimes.  If they keep framing Islam as the enemy, how much can we really blame people for taking this stuff to heart?

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It’s no secret Scientologists are fleeing in droves.  Allegations of abuse, human trafficking, and worse are piling up from ex members, French Scientologists have been convicted of fraud, and a very prominent Hollywood Scientologist (Crash director Paul Haggis) has quite publicly defected, decrying the group’s anti-homosexual politics.  If your office gossip includes guessing which of Scientology’s decreasing stable of celebrities will bolt next, you now stand to make some cash if you guess right- Irish bookmaker Paddy Power is offering odds on the next defection.  Faded movie star John Travolta is favored, with better returns for Nancy Cartwright or Kirstie Alley.

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If you’re a long-time reader of this blog, you’ve no doubt experienced the gamut of nutty Halloween hysteria from the usual suspects.  One particularly ridiculous article popped up briefly to embarrass Pat Robertson’s CBN.  The silly screed was yanked after catching the attention of a few political blogs, but is just too good to pass up all the same.  You can see the cached version here.   According to the author, Halloween is a celebration of the “Satanic harvest,” (harvest of what, black jellybeans?) where witches gather to have wild revels (great), demonic sex (why?), and plant time-release curses on millions of pounds of Halloween candy, for reasons that are not elaborated.   While absorbing many strange meandering thoughts I learned:

• That witches use Halloween to worship Satan Mother earth the Corn God and Harvest Lord gods of the elements
• Pumpkins used as decorations invariably contain demons
• Jesus isn’t fooled by namby-pamby “harvest festivals”
• You can never use too many biblical cliches
• Standing around bonfires is the same as having a ‘familiar spirit’

More:  Halloween Hysteria

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Writing about Scientology has got me in some trouble in the past (one day, I might even share the long, silly, sad story.)  Through all the hassles of setting up shop away from About.com, I’ve missed the panoply of wonderfully insane doings of the cult* everyone loves to hate.   So much catching up to do, so little time.

The most recent hilarity involves the fallout of a three-part, in depth expose of violence and other bizarre doings in the groups secretive higher echelons, especially abuse of staff.  Scientology countered its usual way, by dragging out “confidential confessional” files, ex-wives, and an eighty-page magazine filled with abusive descriptions and closeup photos of the homes of the leakers.

Cut to a recent follow-up series by Nightline, in which the abuse is discussed in more detail, including the revelation that church members were expected to salute leader David Miscavige’s beagle.  The CoS is especially proud of their one-time appearance on Nightline in 1992, and no doubt expected things to go their way again.  Instead, we got treated to Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis dramatically throwing his mic and storming off set after being asked about Xenu, the ever-embarrassing secret mythology of Scientology.  (He later returned to the studio demanding the entire segment be yanked)

The trouble with the Xenu (or Xemu, as sometimes spelled) myth is that, in addition to being an embarrassingly silly story,  it’s considered by Scientology to be dangerous to the uninitiated, and the church has sued, threatened, and sued some more to prevent the tale from getting out.  Now that the genie is out of the bottle, though, they can’t decide between outraged denials or changing the subject.  Former member Marc Headley comments that Tommy may not have had a choice but to walk, as he has not yet attained the privileged level in Scientology where one is allowed to hear L Ron Hubbard’s bizarre explanation for humanity’s woes.

*I don’t use the word very often, but when I do, I mean it.

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